Heads, Tails....or Did You Land on the Thin Edge of the Dime?
Most people know and accept these days that people come in two sexual orientations, straight and gay, and that these are natural, innate characteristics, neither inherently healthier or more moral than the other.
But what if you don’t feel like you fit neatly into either of these two categories – and you don’t identify with being bisexual, either?
As Joe Kort, a therapist in Royal Oaks, Michigan, writes about on his wonderful website, human sexual orientation does not come in three simple discrete “flavors.” What’s more, you don’t have to be gay to be having lots of gay sex – or for that matter, to be straight or bisexual in order to have plenty of straight sex.
For example, a survey done in New York in 2006 found that nearly one in ten men who identified themselves as straight reported having sex with other men. Seventy percent of these men were married.
There are many ways a person could feel caught in the middle, feeling neither straight nor completely gay, or feeling straight but compulsively seeking out gay sex:
Many people, especially men, try to deal with all this confusion by hiding from themselves and the people they love. They only come into therapy when they are found out, or when their feelings become so unbearable that they must do something about them.
Therapy is a safe place to figure out what is really going on inside you, what indeed your “true nature” is, and what you need to do to live your life with the most integrity. For example, some mixed marriages do survive, so indeed if you are in one, I will help you and your spouse determine whether you want to continue your marriage, and what choices each of you may need to make to make that possible. If that can’t be done, I will help the two of you separate as successfully as possible, with the least harm to any children you and your spouse may have.
Being “in the middle” may be the last closet left. The shame and isolation of living there can lead you to do things that are dangerous and completely at odds with the person you want to be. Clarifying and openly claiming who you are to yourself and the people who matter to you can free you on many levels, making you happier, healthier, and more creative and productive.
But what if you don’t feel like you fit neatly into either of these two categories – and you don’t identify with being bisexual, either?
As Joe Kort, a therapist in Royal Oaks, Michigan, writes about on his wonderful website, human sexual orientation does not come in three simple discrete “flavors.” What’s more, you don’t have to be gay to be having lots of gay sex – or for that matter, to be straight or bisexual in order to have plenty of straight sex.
For example, a survey done in New York in 2006 found that nearly one in ten men who identified themselves as straight reported having sex with other men. Seventy percent of these men were married.
There are many ways a person could feel caught in the middle, feeling neither straight nor completely gay, or feeling straight but compulsively seeking out gay sex:
- You could be emotionally and kinesthetically heterosexual, but visually homosexual. That is, you could love the opposite sex, and love the touch and feel of the opposite sex, but feel powerfully turned on by the sight of members of your own sex. Or you could be the opposite: emotionally and kinesthetically homosexual but visually heterosexual.
- You could be in what Joe Kort calls a “mixed marriage.” That is, you may be gay, but deeply in love with and married to someone of the opposite sex. Unfortunately though, despite many years together and even some children between you, you can suddenly feel torn between loving your spouse and family and fulfilling long denied desires.
- You may have been sexually abused as a child by a member of your own sex. Some who have experienced this are driven to having gay sex as an unconscious way of working through the trauma they experienced. If this is you, then gay sex probably has a compulsive and unhappy quality for you. This is not because of internalized homophobia (shame at being gay), but because it triggers the feelings associated with the abuse.
Many people, especially men, try to deal with all this confusion by hiding from themselves and the people they love. They only come into therapy when they are found out, or when their feelings become so unbearable that they must do something about them.
Therapy is a safe place to figure out what is really going on inside you, what indeed your “true nature” is, and what you need to do to live your life with the most integrity. For example, some mixed marriages do survive, so indeed if you are in one, I will help you and your spouse determine whether you want to continue your marriage, and what choices each of you may need to make to make that possible. If that can’t be done, I will help the two of you separate as successfully as possible, with the least harm to any children you and your spouse may have.
Being “in the middle” may be the last closet left. The shame and isolation of living there can lead you to do things that are dangerous and completely at odds with the person you want to be. Clarifying and openly claiming who you are to yourself and the people who matter to you can free you on many levels, making you happier, healthier, and more creative and productive.
Larry Letich and Frederick Counseling serve the suburban Maryland and Washington, DC area, including: Washington, D.C., Bethesda, Chevy Chase, Kensington, Takoma Park, Silver Spring, College Park, Wheaton, Rockville, Gaithersburg, Potomac, North Potomac, Germantown, Clarksburg, Boyds, Frederick, Myersville, Middletown, Walkersville, Thurmont, Hagerstown, Mt. Airy, Woodsboro, New Market, Boonesboro, Brunswick, Poolesville, Barnsville, Beallsville, and the following communities in Virginia: Arlington, Alexandria, Langley, McLean, Great Falls, Falls Church, Vienna. Larry Letich offers counseling and psychotherapy to women, men and couples dealing with anxiety, depression, underachievement, obstacles to creativity, especially writing, and sexual identity confusion.
To schedule a first appointment or learn more about how I can help you, please contact me or call at (240) 315-8100.